*All names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, and the incredibly stupid*



Are people really as stupid as they seem or does it take practice? Maybe they should lay off the drugs.


I work graveyards at a convienence store. Let me tell you, man do I get the freaks, the geeks, the drunks, the druggies, and the real cream of society. I have a personal policy that I strictly adhere to: I will NOT call my managers and wake them up at oh-god-thirty unless it is an EMERGENCY. A stupid crack head acting like a stupid crack head is NOT an emergency.


Case in point:


This kid walks in the store, let’s call him Scooter, he asks if we have a restroom and I say yes. Scooter then walks back outside. Enter crack head, I’ll name him Sherm. Well, Sherm walks in and walks over to the cooler that the Ice cream is in.


“Is this all the ice cream you got?”


“No”, I reply and point back toward the door “there is more in the freezer that you walked by as you came in.”


“Ok.” Then he ducks into the ladies room.


“Uh, that’s the ladies…….”, too late, I hear the door lock. Well, Scooter is still outside riding his razor scooter back and forth in front of the store.


Tick Tock


Tick Tock


Two minutes later a lady comes in and asked if we have a restroom.


“Sure, but there is a guy in the women’s restroom. You can use the men’s room if you like.” She looks at me like I’m nuts but goes in the men’s room.


Tick Tock


About a minute later she comes out. Pays for her fuel and leaves the store.


Tick Tock


Tick Tock


A couple more minutes pass and one of my regulars, Reggie, comes in. we stand and the counter and chit chat for a about four or five minutes, when Shem finally emerges from the ladies room. He meanders around the store selecting his purchases. Reggie and I continue our conversation. Sherm brings his purchases up to the counter and sets them down.


“Can I use your phone? My cell is dead and I need to call my fiancée to see what she wanted.” I apologize and tell him no, that we do not have a phone for public use. But there is a pay phone outside. Reggie walks off to go make his coffee and I proceed to ring up Sherm’s purchases. I finish bagging everything and Sherm throws down a twenty.


“I need to use your restroom again.”


“Ok, but the men’s room is the furthest door.”


“Oh” he proceeds to go into the men’s room. I set his purchases and change to the side.


Reggie quips “That’s what happens when you smoke too much crack” we chuckle and converse a bit more. A few customers straggle in I help them. About four minutes later Sherm comes out of the men’s room, collects his purchases and change and leaves the store. Reggie and I finish up our conversation and he gets ready to leave the store to go to work when Sherm rushes back in


“Uh….I left my cell in the bathroom” I just nod at him; he rushes over to the men’s room and exclaims that the door is locked. Reg, decides that NOW is the perfect time for him to leave for work. Thanks! You’re a pal! I think as he leaves. I grab various keys that are lying around in the hopes that one of them might work. Of course not. I can’t figure out how the door locked any way. It automatically unlocks when you open the door to exit the restroom.


“I need my phone! I have to have my phone! I just took it out to get a number out of it.” (Hmmmm I thought it was dead….)


“I’m sorry, I don’t have a key, but I can take down your info and give it to my manager in a few hours when they come in” I reply (it is now after midnight, this is NOT an emergency, so I am NOT going to call my boss,) Any way my manager is in the next state supervising a store transfer and my asst mgr lives an hour away. He begins to INSIST that I call them. I explain again that I am sorry that there is not much I can do. I have tried all the keys that I have and none of them work. So he then goes back outside and talks to Scooter for a few seconds, come back in and says I HAVE to call my manager, it’s his work phone, he just got this job, about to lose his apartment, yada, yada, yada.


“I need my bus card so I can go to work”


“Your bus pass is in your phone?” now I’m really skeptical.


“Uh…..no…..it’s…in…my wallet” Ok so now it’s his “dead” “work” cell AND his wallet????? Now I am just plain annoyed that this crack head is lying to me. So just to pacify him I reach for the store phone. Would you believe it, the damn thing doesn’t work???? I hand him the phone to prove that I am not lying to him.


“How about your cell phone?”


“I don’t have one” Now I’m lying. He goes out front and starts begging my incoming customers for their phones. I go into the back of the store to see if I can track down a working handset and more keys. Keys no. Phone yes. I’ve had enough I give in and call my poor asst. mgr. His advice: Jiggle the handle. It’s a door not a toilet, I’m thinking. And I’ve been jiggling the damn handle. So I start looking for something I can use to jimmy the lock. I finally try a pair of scissors and manage to get the door open. Well Sherm almost knocks me over in his rush to get his “cell phone and wallet” I saw something that might have been a cell, and something else. Don’t think it was a wallet though. Hmmmmmm.